I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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