Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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