Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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