rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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