I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
