Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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