You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
