Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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