chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
