he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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