i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
