he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
