I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
