so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
love makes seman taste better
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
