You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
