I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
