My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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