I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
