I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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