My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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