His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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