i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
