So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Randomize
