Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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