: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
