Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
