OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
