Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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