You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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