1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
i've created a new STD.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
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