the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
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