We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
