It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
