I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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