Duck Duck Cougar?
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
