I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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