I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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