my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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