Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
