He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You are the jesus of drinking
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
