Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Randomize
