i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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