We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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