I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
