Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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