I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
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