Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
