come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
