Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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