Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
