you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
