She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
