I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
