You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
