how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
