OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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