nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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