it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
