you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize