i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
