shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
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Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
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When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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